I’ve tried over the years to piece together my dads life. It hasn’t been easy, as dad had a difficult life so he was never keen to talk about it.

But my dad, John Dunbar Doig Butchart was born on the 28th of March, 1937, in Edmonton, England to Robert and Lilian Butchart and brother to Lilian & Joan.

At the tender age of 7, my dads mother was unable to care for her children due to mental health issues. So while my grandfather was away serving in the Army, my grandmother took them to an orphanage and left them there to be cared for until my grandfather was in a position, 5 years later, to have his children back. My grandmother never returned.

Dad started working at a very young age. He was a message delivery boy for a butcher from the age of 12 to 16. He recently recalled a story, quite a few times I might add, to a friend & I about delivering eggs & maybe see more than what he bargained for on one of his deliveries.

At the age of 16, dad joined Vindicatric Sea Training School and once he graduated, he went straight into the Merchant Navy until 1959. He travelled the world and experienced some amazing places and I love when he can remember these places & stories and share them with me.

On the 21st of April, 1959, dad enlisted in the Army. He was a trained tank driver and gunner and also employed in the extra capacity as a store man. He transferred to the Army Reserve on the 3rd of April, 1968 before his discharge on 20th of April, 1975. Dad made it to the rank Provisional Lance Corporal after 16 years and 1 day in the service.

Dad always said signing up to the merchant Navy and Army was the craziest thing he’d done. He hadn’t known what to expect but he loved serving his country and the experiences that came with it.

When he left the Army, he was employed into a Michelin tyre factory in Scotland as a fork lift driver. He loved that job, and whenever I see the Michelin man, it reminds me of dad. He left Michelin to join Alexander’s Buses, as he wanted to meet people from all walks of life and talk to them. If you don’t know my dad he loves a chat!

In amongst all of this there was a marriage, 2 children, then a divorce. Not to mention him dealing with his mother abandoning him and the death of his father, but dad found true love in my beautiful mum and then had my brother and I. To him, that was when his life started.

My dad may not have had the best childhood, but he always made sure my brother and I did. We never went without and we always felt loved. I cherish so many memories of a wonderful childhood with my mum and dad, and I will forever be grateful to him for sharing even the littlest parts of his life that I know brought him heartache.

Whilst I have my story to tell, this week I have been reminded that each and every one of us has our own story to tell too.

Some choose to share their story openly and freely, some choose to share only the parts they want to, and some choose to keep their story to themselves.

I find myself in all of these categories, depending on where I am emotionally and how I’m coping.

There is no right or wrong, we all have to do what is best for us at the time, but we must honour each and everyone’s story.

During our story we all cope, live, love & grieve differently and it is important to respect that.

This week I haven’t coped well, my emotions have run high but being there for my partner, being the support he needs at this time and making sure he knows he will always be surrounded by my love and that he can lean on me has helped me cope.

Living my best life, staying positive, even at times when it’s tough, surrounding myself with some of the most wonderful people helps me live.

And lastly, in our life, we will all lose a loved family member, a dear friend or even a beloved pet. The ache in our heart will seem unbearable, many a tear will be shed, we’ll reminisce on a life lost, cherish precious memories & manage our grief.

Life is a story, make yours a best seller.

So, that’s the first module under my belt! WOW!

After registering, I had what only I can describe as a “what the fuck have I done” moment.

Already having several things on my plate these next few months, I had a fleeting thought of maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I even thought that I’m not going to be able to finish the first one but I bloody did!

Module one done & dusted! It consisted of 18 sections & my favourite would have to have been learning about the brain!

I learnt about the Hippocampus, and how Alzheimer’s usually first damages the hippocampus at the very early stages of the disease, leading to memory loss and disorientation. Hippocampal damage can also cause amnesia and an inability to form new memories, specifically those regarding time and location.

I read about beta amyloids and tangles and that as the disease progresses, brain tissue shrinks & I read a lot of things I probably won’t remember either!

But my favourite part would have to have been the interactive brain!

So, after leaving home on a high from finishing module 1 & passing, it was back to the oncologist for dads results.

These last few weeks, not a lot seems to have gone too good for dad or I. To be honest, it’s been a very difficult time; there’s certainly been quite a few times I’ve struggled & thought how much more shit can be piled on me. So you can imagine, I was very apprehensive about today’s appointment. I can however happily report though that today was a good day.

Bone scan showed no signs of cancer anywhere else at all. I think I could have kissed the doctor! So after explaining to dad what options he had, he looked at the doctor & I blankly & said “I don’t know.”

So with guidance from the doctor, I made the decision to start treatment for dad. After filling out numerous forms & signing them as his guardian, we are now onto the next stage.

We moved to Australia in 1982 from Scotland. I hated every minute of the move. I never wanted to leave my home, my family, my friends but my mum & dad wanted a better life for us, for all of us.

I was 12 when we arrived in Australia & all I remember was it bloody hot & sandy, I immediately wanted to go back to Scotland, I hated Australia. I struggled being here & missed everyone. It took me a very long time to settle, feeling so homesick. As I look back now, I gave my parents such a hard time for moving us to this god forsaken country but fast forward 37 years and I couldn’t imagine ever leaving.

On Friday our family home was sold. I never thought I would be so emotional about it but found myself in tears. 35 years in only the 2nd home I’ve ever lived in with my parents. 35 years of birthdays, Christmases, weddings, grandchildren, a lifetime of memories with the most wonderful parents who only ever wanted the best in life for their children.

How do you sign that piece of paper? How do you close that door for one last time?

It’s hard to walk from a family home that holds so many precious memories but the memories are in our heart. They are not in bricks and mortar. They live on in us, our family, our friends and that is what we carry with us every day.

So whilst it breaks my heart to close another chapter in my life, my parents life, I carry with me the love we all shared, the precious moments & beautiful memories that will stay with me forever.

❤️On a side note I would just like to say thank you to my wonderful partner, my amazing son & beautiful friends who have supported me these few weeks while the tears have flowed & the emotions have been high❤️

I recently had someone say to me that they loved reading my blog but asked if they may get a little more insight into my emotions & how I’m feeling.

So here I am, sat in the Nuclear Medicine ward for the next 3 hours with dad thinking about me & my emotions.

I’m wrapped up pretty tightly; I’m not one to be overly emotional but I do have my moments. I remember when mum passed away, feeling so numb, lost & unsure of what to do. Nothing can prepare you for grief or how you will react. Everyone is different & one thing I have learnt since, is that people need to be respectful of how others deal with grief and not be judgmental because they are not emotionally acting the way you think they should.

I remember at one point making all of the funeral arrangements & Jas made a very innocent comment about the cars, only to have me completely break down & flip out.

At times, I’d love to scream from the top of my lungs. Just to shout “why the fuck me” & cry, but the logical part of me says this won’t achieve anything. I’m very much about dealing with what is in front of me & just getting on with it, the emotions are pushed to the side & left to deal with later, if ever.

When I’m faced with bad news or an emotional situation, I tend to keep to myself. I need time to digest what’s happening & have that moment of feeling sorry for myself. I internalise my emotions.

It breaks my heart every day to see my dad go through what he has to & will continue to when, at this stage in life, he should be just enjoying time with his family.

Not a single day passes without an ache in my heart thinking of mum, telling her how much I love her & wishing with every part of me that I could just have one more hug, one more phone call, one more cup of tea. Just to do anything with her one more time.

Life is one big emotion. It is about the paths we take & how we navigate through those paths. For some of us, our path has a few more speed bumps & can be akin to a roller coaster. But you can choose to go over the speed bump or get off the roller coaster. I chose both. I chose to fly right over that bump & to get the hell off that roller coaster. Because we only get one shot at life, so we better make sure we live our best one. Our only one.

One of the things I wanted to achieve through my blog was to share my thoughts and tips; to help and support others navigate Alzheimer’s & recently I’ve had some great responses.

For quite some time, I’ve thought about delving in deeper to try & understand this disease, as each day for dad & I is a struggle.

After recently reading my blog, a lovely friend Liz reached out to me, suggesting I try one of the Understanding Dementia courses as she found it especially helpful. Now, you can call it fate, sheer coincidence or big brother watching , but I often get these courses in my news feed & have been considering doing one so Liz’s words of encouragement where just what I needed!

So, I dived right in & registered! The 7 week course started on the 19th February. It’s an online course offering University quality education about the latest in Dementia research & care. There are 3 modules, each an aspect of the disease itself, and is delivered by 18 field experts, including neuroscientists, clinicians, health scientists & people living with Dementia. I will also have the opportunity to meet an international network of peers online to discuss key issues surrounding Dementia, which is just amazing!!!

I’m nervous about embarking on this course. Am I going to be able to get through this? Will I have the time? Is it too close home?

But I’m also excited. It will help me gain a wider understanding of this disease. The more information I have, the more armed I am to tackle this horrible disease with my dad and to share what I have learnt with those that are just starting out on the roller coaster that is Alzheimer’s.

Wish me luck 🤞

To lose a parent can feel like losing a part of yourself, it’s hard to imagine coping without them. You go through the stages of grief & eventually you learn to live with your grief

To lose a parent to Alzheimer’s is a daily heart ache; each day you grieve the loss, even though they are still here. And again, you learn to live with the grief. 

When we lose a parent, what we are left with are many beautiful memories to treasure. 

At the moment, I’m all about making memories with my dad.  Memories are fickle when it comes to someone with Alzheimer’s, so it’s important to capture them as often as you can. Creating a life story book is a great way to preserve memories & also bring joy to someone with Alzheimer’s. 

I recently put together one for my dad, with photos of all his loved ones & those that have played a significant part in his life.  Each photo has a very short explanation next to it. I’ve filled dads room with lots of family photos & whenever I’m a doing something with dad, I take lots of photos to capture those special memories. 

Dad loves looking at his book & I often find we are scrolling through my camera roll so he can see photos of things we have done. He loves it! 

Photos are a great way to start a conversation for someone with Alzheimer’s & also a great way to find out more about your loved one, even things you may never have known. 

Continue to create those special memories. Whilst you may have lost your loved one to Alzheimer’s, they are never lost to you 💙

One of the things I did early on was to organise Enduring Power of Attorney & Guardianship for mum & dad. It was actually mum’s idea. At the time, I thought she was crazy & thought we had plenty of time. But she was spot on. It was a very short time from dad understanding what he was signing to having no idea at all.

To ensure we did everything properly, we took dad to his GP so the doctor could do a letter of competency for the lawyer. It was quite a heartbreaking moment to have someone say your dad is of sound mind when you know it’s only a matter of time before he’s actually not.

So recently I have had to use the Power of Guardianship quite a bit. In the last few years of my mums life, I was able to discuss her treatment options & what she wanted to have happen as her condition worsened. Unfortunately with dad I’m not able too do this as he has deteriorated to the point he doesn’t understand.

I now find myself in the difficult situation of making medical decisions on his behalf. With my mum, we had the hard hitting conversations; I knew her wishes but I never did this with my dad. I think because my mum was so sick, I focused on her and didn’t chat to dad about it.

I was very much like, “he’ll be ok we’ve got time.” But now we don’t. Over the next few weeks, I have to make tough decisions in regards to my dads health.

It’s daunting, wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Am I making the right decision? But I’ve learnt I can’t second guess myself: I have to stand by my decisions and be ok with them.

We think our parents are going to be around forever. We think they’re not going to get old but then we ourselves reach an age when we know that’s not the case. No matter how hard, have those difficult conversations with your folks. Talk about funerals, DNRs and who is going to make those tough decisions when they can’t. But most importantly, hug them and tell them you love them ❤️

Today I had to buy a walker for dad. Over the last few months, he’s struggled to walk, even though it’s something he’s always enjoyed. I’ve helped him as much as I can when we’re out but it’s got to that point where I just can’t anymore.

People just associate memory loss with Alzheimer’s. But it can actually affect a whole host of areas and one of those is walking.

Dad shuffles when he walks and this is very common. One of the first signs of loss of mobility is walking unsteadily and shuffling. They may also seem slow or clumsy, causing more accidents and bumping into things.

Dementia can affect areas of the brain that are responsible for movement and balance. Because of this, many individuals affected by Alzheimer’s and other types of dementia can gradually lose the ability to walk and perform everyday tasks.

It’s always best to consult the experts for help and advice. Knowing the symptoms in advance can make things easier later on. You’re prepared for it rather than reacting to it.

This includes Physio, which can help with strengthening muscles, as well as with the introduction of a walking aid. Such is the case with dad.

Of course, dad is adamant he can walk fine and doesn’t need it. It doesn’t help he thinks he’s about 20! So I’ve told him it’s for his stability more than helping him walk and that he can sit on the seat if he feels he needs a little rest when we’re out walking. Worked a treat!

In mid-December last year, Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  

I remember sitting there listening to dads specialist thinking, “Are you fucking kidding me!  This man has Alzheimer’s, survived and is in remission from bladder cancer, has just lost his wife & now you’re telling me he has prostate cancer!!!”

It just didn’t seem real, I listened to the doctor go on but didn’t really take it all in. 

We are all guilty of those moments of feeling sorry for ourselves and at that moment I most certainly did. To me it was cruel. I had one parent who’d had a lung disease for years and suffered terribly for it. Now my poor dad was going through something that felt eerily similar. Why my parents? Why me?

I had to pull myself together, as I sat there with dad, who was just nodding his head as the doctor spoke. 

We left the hospital & started our slow walk back to the car. I asked dad how he was and he said what he always says, “fine love.” I asked if he was ok with everything the doctor just told him. He replied by asking “what doctor?” So I explained that we’d just been to see his specialist at the hospital.  

I don’t remember that dad said, but I knew it wasn’t his fault for forgetting, it was the Alzheimer’s. I thought to myself that dad having no recollection of the appointment in that small space of time was ok. I looked at him and he was happy. And to me, that was and still is the most important thing. 

It’s hard wrap your head around Alzheimer’s.  At times you just don’t understand why they can’t remember anything in such a short space of time but yet they can remember something from years ago. It can be bloody frustrating. It’s taken me a very long time to get to this point, the point where it’s ok, where I understand, it hasn’t been easy though. There’s been a lot of tears, a lot of angry words but I’ve accepted this is how it. This is my new normal with dad and that’s ok.