In an instance things can change. 

It’s hard to see my dad change right before my eyes. It’s hard to see the changes in myself. It’s also hard to see the changes in those around me but change is inevitable and it’s not always good but we need to embrace it the best way we can. 

I thought I could handle most things, at times I think I’m made of steel, but these past few weeks have shown me I’m not.  

Some of the littlest things have really shook me to the core. I’ve seen my nerves rattled and my understanding and patience is at an all time low.  I’ve disengaged & had the fuck it attitude in regards to a lot of things,  to be able to just keep going. 

I’m tired beyond words and shit scared I’ll end up with Alzheimer’s.

But as I sit here with my dad I think of all the wonderful times we have shared before Alzheimer’s became a part of our life. From building snow men in the back yard to picking rhubarb from our allotment.  Building the patio in our house to teaching me how to drive. Standing beside me moments after welcoming his first grandson into the world and always being there for me in the good and bad times.

So, all of those things I have felt are really not important. It’s all trivial in the grand scheme of life,  something we all need to think about at times. What’s important is to just live your life, live your best life and bugger what people think or say. 

This week saw some highs & some lows.

Dad has his check up at the cancer centre to see how the tumours has responded to the radiation.

I’m happy to report that the tumours have responded & shrunk & dads PSA level has started to come down. We will go back again in 4-6 months but as I wrote previously I have decide to do nothing further. At this stage we will do what’s called watchful waiting.

Watchful waiting is a method of monitoring prostate cancer. This involves regular PSA tests and clinic check-ups. This is an option for men with other health problems that would make it hard to handle treatments such as surgery or radiation therapy.

Dad falls into this category. At 82 yrs old with advanced Alzheimer’s this is now the best option for him.

This week also so some major changes in dads personality & we are trying to determine if it is due to the treatment.,

He is no longer able to handle loud noises & lots of people & becomes quite agitated. He has become quite aggressive & has had a few Level 1 incidences at Regis.

Monday & Tuesday I had meetings at Regis to put some plans into action to help dad. One option has been to move him to the locked ward.

Whilst I’m not naive to think that he will never go there at this point in time I am struggling making this decision & moving him.

So at the moment I am exhausting all avenues available to see what we can do in the meantime.

He has been assessed by Dementia Support & Adult Mental Health & on Wednesday he will have an appointment with his Alzheimer’s doctor to see if he can suggest anything.

In the meantime, after lunch, dad spends most of his time in his room as he needs the rest & quiet. Either myself or Joshua come

each day to have lunch and/or dinner with him to keep him settled & calm. Regis have implemented morning activities for dad in the Dementia ward & are looking at getting dad a volunteer to spend some afternoons with him to keep him company.

Over the next month we will see how this goes & make a decision that is best for dad.

So this week started off fairly well. I have been on leave so I’ve been able to see dad each morning, which is the best time to see him now.

And since the weather has been so beautiful, I’ve taken dad for a walk each day. He loves being out & even though he can only manage a short walk, he always enjoys the sunshine ☀️

This week was my brothers birthday too. Though dad doesn’t remember, to me it’s still important that dad can still have a chat with him on his special day. We rang Robert &, with some prompting, dad was able to wish him happy birthday which was a nice surprise for Robert.

Unfortunately this week we also had some more bad news about dads health. After a routine urine test they found ketones in dads urine.

If your cells don’t get enough glucose, your body burns fat for energy instead. This produces a substance called ketones, which can show up in your blood and urine. High ketone levels in urine may indicate diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA).

At the moment it is only a small amount, but they are monitoring him closely & will retest in a week.

I’m glad dad doesn’t know what goes on half the time, as I just feel so sad for him. He doesn’t cop a break & it’s just one thing after another. It gets me down sometimes, I can only imagine how dad would feel if he knew half the stuff he had been dealing with.

Life can definitely be tough & I remind myself constantly that it is what we make of it & how we deal with things in our life.

On that note, Jas & I are about to switch off for 12 days of hopefully total relaxation & time for ourselves. It’s always a worry when we go away, we hope & pray our dads will be ok but we know they are well looked after

On that note, remember , the best things in life are the people we love, the places we’ve been & the memories we’ve made. Author unknown but mum mums favourite saying ❤️

Yay! We made it! I say WE but really it’s dad whose has been the trooper. Apart from one really horrid day, dad has been amazing during his 4 week treatment.

I joked with him a couple of times, saying he is the only person I know that enjoys going to radiation treatment! I think for him it’s just getting out every day for a drive.

Each day has been a little like groundhog day, I can repeat verbatim our conversation in the car, at each point of the drive. I know that once we get back home he eats his sandwiches & passes out in his chair for a good few hours and I know that when I pick him up the very next day he’ll say, hi love what are you doing here. I think I might actually miss our drives.

In the next month, dad will still have a few more tests to see how the tumours have responded & to check his bladder is still free of cancer. The ideal outcome is obviously that they have; Worst case is no change or they have increased.

We saw the oncologist yesterday & had a great chat. Whilst dad has been very lucky to have had no major side effects, in 6 or 12 months time this may not be the case. So whilst dad is still not out of the woods, there will be no further treatment for him.

I just know that I can’t put him through this again & selfishly myself.

It’s a decision I didn’t take lightly but one that I had to make, I asked every possible question & read as much as I could before I made this decision. For whatever time my dad has left, I want him to be happy, comfortable & enjoy his time.

So tomorrow is a new day. I’m going try & have a little extra sleep in & do something for myself & maybe just enjoy one day of life not being so crazy before jumping back on the treadmill of life.

So we’re just about half way through dads treatment.

Leading up to him starting I had waves of guilt, uncertainty & many a sleepless night about putting dad through this.

We got off to a false start as dad got sick before his first treatment which pushed it back a week & really made me questioned if he would cope.

I was in a position where if i opted not to go ahead with the treatment I would feel guilty but was feeling as equally guilty about putting him through 4 weeks of hospital appointments every day, it really was a no win decision.

After talking it through with Jas I knew that going ahead was definitely the right thing to do & also honouring what I had promised my mum, which was to look after dad.

So we are just about half way through & what a trooper he’s been!

It’s a 3 hour trip every day & it takes a lot out of him but he has been amazing. I’m really not sure how he does it as I’m bloody exhausted by the time i get home.

The trip to the hospital & back is always entertaining & can at times feel like ground hog day especially when we seem to have the exact same conversation!!!!

It seems strange to say I’m proud of my dad in a situation like this but I really am. He’s not complained, done everything he has been asked & still has that cheeky sense of humour.

Prostate cancer is the 2nd most common cancer diagnosed in men & the 3rd most common cause of cancer death but yet we don’t hear much about it. The difference between early detection and late detection can be life and death.

IF DETECTED EARLY

98%

chance of survival beyond 5 years.

IF DETECTED LATE

26%

chance of survival beyond 5 years.

Sadly for my dad it was detected late but in the meantime I will do whatever I can to make sure he is ok.

When I visit dad I don’t always know what I’m waking into so I have to be prepared for the worst.

The worst for me is him not recognising me but trust me there can be a lot worse!

This week he hasn’t been too well, which is always a worry. This week I had to reschedule his treatment and really think about continuing with it, maybe it’s too much for him.

But today is a good day. He recognised me, well as Paula his wife, not Paula his daughter. Today he remembered Jason & his trip out on the boat and today he remembered my mum.

Today he’s his cheeky, funny self. Today he’s in a good mood & today I’ll enjoy that for as long as I can because it can change all too quickly.

Today we’re sat out on the balcony watching the world go buy & drinking coffee, one of dads favourite things to do.

I’m still in discussions with Alzheimer’s WA to set up a Memory Cafe in the area. One of the Managers just recently met with the Cockburn Shire to discuss our plans so I’m waiting to hear back on how it went.

Hopefully in the next couple months we should have something set in concrete!

Thank you to all that read my blog & send messages of support and/or advice it is greatly appreciated xxxx

This week hasn’t been the best week for me. There are many reasons for it, but in the grand scheme of things, I know there are worse things in life.

Being dads guardian, I made the decision not long ago to start him on treatment for his prostate cancer. I didn’t even have to think twice about it. But this week, I’ve found I’ve second guessed every decision I’ve made which is not me.

Dad’s 82, suffering Alzheimers and in the early stages of heart failure. Is it right to put him through all this, when he barely knows what’s going on? I’ve asked myself this many times in the last week.

I was also my mums guardian. And for her, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for her. I would have moved mountains to see her get better. However, the difference was she and I were able to talk about her treatment, the procedures, and her wishes.

I still talk to dad about what’s happening; I ask him what he’d like to do, what his wishes are. He may not understand, but I will always talk to him, I will always discuss these things with him. He may have Alzheimer’s, but he should still be afforded the respect of being involved and included.

So after these last few, very anxious days, sleepless nights and my bloody stress dermatology flairing up again, I’m standing by my decision.

It’s not easy but we must all believe in ourselves, own our decisions and not over analyse things.

I will fight with and for my dad, just like I did with my mum. I will do whatever I can for my dad until we both know that we can’t do anymore.

When you put a parent into Aged Care, you have a sense of guilt that goes along with it & it’s very hard to shake.

After putting my dad into Aged Care, a lovely friend messaged me to say that’s it’s a hard journey but it’s ok to admit, that it is what works for you & your family & that if you’ve found the right place for all concerned, that you will able sleep & stop worrying about him.

I still carry a sense of guilt each day but remind myself that he is safe, well cared for & not alone.

Dad has been in Regis for 6 months now, and whilst there are still many teeming problems with the new facility, dad is happy & has settled in well. He’s put on weight & is surrounded by some lovely residents & carers.

Going away on my recent holiday I found it was the first time in probably 7 years that I wasn’t anxious, or worried. I had 2 wonderful people checking in on dad & he was in the best place possible if anything happened.

So as my friend said, I slept! By god did I sleep! 17 nights of unbroken sleep & not worrying. 17 days & nights of not feeling guilty. 17 days of actually switching off, relaxing & enjoying myself.

Whilst the guilt is still there (and I don’t think it will ever leave), I now have a sense of how important it is for me to just take some time & recharge.

So here I am, ready to take on the next battle, the next roller coaster of medical appointments, treatments & whatever else I need to do for my dad as this is a part of my life’s journey as much as it is his.

So today was another birthday I’ve celebrated that sadly my dad doesn’t remember. But that’s ok, I accepted this quite a few years ago. I don’t even tell dad now when I go & visit him, as it would only upset him knowing he forgot or that he doesn’t have anything for me.

At this stage in my life, birthdays are about celebrating it with those you love. It’s not about what you have or don’t have, it’s about who you surround yourself with & the memories you share. And today, I’ve done just that. Today I’ve had time with my dad, time with friends & time with those men who I absolutely cherish & adore.

On another note, I’ve had some exciting news today, which has been the best birthday present ever!

Through my blog & posts, once again, I’ve had a friend reach out & send me an article about a Memory Cafe in Margaret River & the great things it’s doing for Alzheimer’s people & their carers. She suggested that I might want to try the local ones South of the River, and that maybe I could go with dad.

Well of course I got thinking & reading!

A Memory Café is a social gathering place for people with memory loss, mild cognitive impairment, early Alzheimer’s, or other dementia, as well as their family and friends.

A dementia friendly community can assist & support those living with this disease. They can continue to lead a high quality of life with meaning, purpose & value.

Families of loved ones with Alzheimer’s or Dementia struggle with the isolation that happens because of the disease.

Dad loves his coffee at his local cafe & he loves a chat, so it got me thinking about having a Memory Cafe there.

I reached out to the appropriate people to discuss starting one in dads area and found out today that they are very keen to start this up!

We are a long way off from it all coming to fruition but it’s a start.

Quite a few more meetings & hoops to jump through yet but I am super excited to hopefully get this off the ground and dedicate this to my beautiful mum.

So watch this space….

I love spending my Saturdays with dad. It’s not always smooth sailing but today has been a wonderful day. We even had a few laughs.

One thing losing my mum has taught me is that life is very precious and our parents won’t be with us forever.

Someone recently commented on the fact I visit my dad just about every day. I don’t believe I should have to explain myself as to why but I know how it feels to have lost a parent. I know the ache in my heart to not be able to have anymore time with my mum or speak to her, see her. And at times, it’s unbearable.

So for me, while my dad is still here, to be able to see my dad every day, even if it is just for 5 minutes, even on those days he doesn’t want to see me or swears and tells me to go home, it’s precious time. It’s time I cherish. I don’t know how much longer I will have my dad, but I want to spend as much time as I can with him, even on those bad days, and to see him every day eases that ache for me, just a little.

We sometimes forget in our busy lives that, as we grow older, so do our parents. We sometimes take it for granted that they are always going to be there. But, sadly, that’s not how life works.

So whether you visit your parents every day, call them once a week, or even just see them once a year, take a moment to appreciate them. Always try to share a special memory, a laugh, thank them for what they have done for you and most importantly, tell them that you love them.